CAST INTRODUCTIONS
JENNIFER RAUCHET HEGSETH — Former Fox exec turned hyper-alert Pentagon wife. Proud matriarch of a seven-kid MAGA Brady Bunch. Drinks rosé but flinches every time Pete touches bourbon. Thinks Alexa is listening. Not wrong.
JEANETTE RUBIO — Always looks like she just came from a Christian CrossFit class. Married to Marco “Sweat Tsunami” Rubio. Has 40 essential oils but none for self-respect.
USHA VANCE — JD’s better half, legal mind, and full-time damage controller. Developed PTSD from a furniture showroom incident. Keeps a fire extinguisher next to the sectional.
MELANIA TRUMP — Legally still First Lady. Marble-skinned. Emotionally bulletproof. Speaks like an AI trained on nihilism and perfume ads. May or may not be plotting escape.
SCENE: JEANETTE RUBIO’S DC TOWNHOUSE. NIGHT.
Four women, one war, too much wine.
Jennifer clutches her rosé like a lifeline. Jeanette dabs Marco’s latest press conference sweat off her phone with a linen napkin. Usha is sitting bolt upright, legs crossed, clutching a couch pillow like it might betray her. Melania sips something that looks like water but feels like vodka filtered through diamonds.
Jeanette (scrolling): Marco said today’s strike was “measured.” The man was vibrating like a carnival ride.
Jennifer (staring at the wine): Pete tried to brief me this morning using salt shakers and a banana. Then he cried.
Usha (tight-lipped): JD hasn’t blinked since Wednesday.
Jeanette (no filter): Did he try to have sex with the furniture again?
Usha: Excuse me?
Jeanette: Oh, I’m sorry. Was that out loud? At least Marco only sweats on people. JD sees a couch and needs a cigarette.
Jennifer (whispering): It had cupholders…
Usha: HE WAS DRUNK. AND IT WAS A LEATHER SECTIONAL.
Melania (deadpan): You are all so loud. And so embarrassing.
Jeanette’s phone buzzes. Everyone freezes.
Jeanette (reading): Oh no. He posted. Trump just wrote:
“MIGA!!! GOLD TOWERS, NO AYATOLLAHS!!!”
Jennifer (shaking): Pete said it wasn’t regime change. He promised!
Usha: JD testified. He testified this was a “targeted deterrence effort.” Now Trump’s yelling MIGA like it’s a flavor of Mountain Dew.
Jeanette (screaming): Marco said it was diplomacy with a backbone! Not a bombing campaign with a branding strategy!
Jennifer (near tears): Pete tried to nuke a wasp nest. With actual fire. He said it was symbolic. He gets so drunk sometimes.
Usha (hyperventilating)
Melania: Donald calls it “the Persian opportunity.” He wants to install Ivanka as Shah.
Jeanette: Your husband doesn’t have a fucking clue, Melania!
Jennifer: Pete named our Roomba “CENTCOM” and gave it a rank. He hides liquor bottles in strange places.
Usha: Most husbands get upset when their wives tell them to sleep on the couch. JD never complains about it.
Jeanette: Marco drinks his own sweat to stay hydrated under pressure. He says it’s tactical.
Melania (sipping): Donald sleeps with a revolver and dreams of Mussolini. I no longer wake him.
Jennifer (melting down): I found Pete crying in the shower. He said the tiles were “listening.” I don’t know what to do!
Jeanette (shouting): Marco won’t take off his State Department badge! He wore it to bed! I woke up with an eagle seal on my thigh!
Usha (sobbing): JD brought home a footstool and said it was “foreplay.”
Melania (monotone): Jeanette, you cry too much. It makes your face look… soft.
Jeanette: At least my husband didn’t fuck a couch!
Usha: At least mine isn’t made of sweat and failed dreams!
Jennifer: At least mine didn’t try to stage a coup!
Melania: All of your husbands are clowns. My husband owns the circus.
(Silence. Until Usha hurls her wine at Melania. It splashes. Melania doesn’t flinch.)
Melania (slowly standing): You missed.
FREEZE FRAME.
VOICEOVER: Next week on The Real Housewives of MAGA:
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Jeanette waterboards Marco with Pedialyte.
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Jennifer stages a “dry run” divorce.
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Usha holds a séance to banish the couch spirit.
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Melania disappears into the Lincoln Bedroom and emerges speaking Latin.
This post has been syndicated from Closer to the Edge, where it was published under this address.