INT. OVAL OFFICE – NIGHT
The camera light flickers on. A portrait of Andrew Jackson glowers in the background. Donald is perched behind the Resolute Desk, leaning toward a giant screen where Vladimir Putin appears.
DONALD:
Vlad! My very favorite strong guy. The strongest! I tell people—people don’t believe me—I tell them, Vladimir is tough but classy, okay?
Listen, I need a favor. A beautiful, little favor.
VLADIMIR:
What is it you desire, Donald?
DONALD:
It’s Kim. You know—your friend with the haircut. He used to send me letters, love letters, actually. People laughed, but they were incredible. He called me his soulmate of destiny. You believe that? Nobody ever called Obama that.
I haven’t heard from him in months. It’s like ghosting, Vlad. International ghosting. Very unfair. Can you talk to him? You two text, right? You’re like the Axis iMessage group.
VLADIMIR:
I could speak to him. But I have needs as well.
DONALD:
I’m listening.
VLADIMIR:
First, I need you to pave over the Rose Garden.
DONALD:
Already started. Melania said it would ruin the flowers—I said, Who needs flowers when you can park tanks? You’re gonna love it, Vlad.
VLADIMIR:
Also, cut down the memorial trees.
DONALD:
The FDR one? Gone. Harding too. People forget, he had a scandal—so I said, Let’s make history great again! I had Elon take them down personally with his chainsaw.
VLADIMIR:
Have you successfully demolished the East Wing?
DONALD:
Oh, it’s gone. We’re building the Trump Presidential Ballroom—250-foot chandeliers, finest marble, maybe a few slot machines if the lawyers stop crying. Beautiful place for state dinners or wrestling.
VLADIMIR:
You will stop arming Zelensky.
DONALD:
That little guy? Overrated. Very needy.
VLADIMIR:
You will continue to say kind things about me.
DONALD:
Always do! You’re smart, you’re cunning, you ride horses better than most actors. You could’ve been in Die Hard 6.
VLADIMIR:
I want you to host a UFC fight at the White House.
DONALD:
We’re working on it. It will be the biggest pay-per-view in history. I’ll sell the chairs. Maybe you ref. You’d look fantastic in stripes.
VLADIMIR:
Construct the arch. No excuses.
DONALD:
We just completed the design. Huge, classy, a bit French, a bit German—you know, the strong architecture. Hitler had terrible taste, by the way, everybody says that, but the height was amazing. We’re going taller. “The Trump Triumphal.” People will drive by and salute without even knowing why. Very emotional.
VLADIMIR:
Keep your government shut down.
DONALD:
Of course. It’s been the greatest shutdown ever—millions of workers staying home, saving on gas. I’m helping the planet. Greta should thank me.
VLADIMIR:
Did you suspend habeas corpus?
DONALD:
Pam took care of that. I told Kristi to do whatever she wants from this point foward.
VLADIMIR:
Are you ignoring Posse Comitatus?
DONALD:
Posse what? Sounds like something from a cowboy movie. Is that Spanish?
VLADIMIR:
You have pleased me, Donald. I will speak with Kim. He misses your handwriting.
DONALD:
He does? That’s beautiful. You know, I still have his pen—the missile one. I keep it next to my Diet Coke button. Every time I press it, I think of him.
VLADIMIR:
He will write soon.
DONALD:
Make sure he uses the good stationery—the red one with the hearts. And tell him I’m open to reunion summits. Maybe at Mar-a-Lago. We can do matching jackets. Very historic. The ratings would be insane.
VLADIMIR:
We are finished. Goodbye, Donald.
DONALD:
Goodbye, my very stable genius friend. Give my best to your horse.
Thank you for reading Closer to the Edge. We’re glad you’re here.
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