I know it’s been a long time. I stopped counting the days I sat in front of my computer to write but froze instead. It’s been a little over a month since my cat Deepthi (aka Dee) passed away suddenly & unexpectedly. I’ve been incapacitated by the grief while feeling like I shouldn’t be this distraught by the death of a so-called “pet”. I’ve been wanting to write this for a while actually. But I thought “why would anyone want to read about cats?” Except what else do we read, write & think off if not about the few sacred, untainted things in life that remind us of all that we’re fighting for— especially given that the shadow of the deathly empires we’re fighting against is constantly hovering over us. And also isn’t the internet like 50% cats or is that just my algorithm?
I was at work one afternoon when my partner called me. Dee was stung by wasps. We watched her go from being a happy baby rolling around in the dirt, basking in the sun, to collapsing on the floor. The vast majority of animals & humans have some localized swelling, itchiness and discomfort but otherwise- they end up okay. Rarely, some will have a more severe allergic reaction that requires emergency care but even so, with the prompt administration of meds, they make a full recovery without any long-term deficits. Then there’s the 0.0001%. The perfect storm of hidden underlying health conditions that hadn’t presented themselves & one crisis pushes their body over the edge. Dee went into anaphylactic shock- she couldn’t breathe, had seizures, didn’t respond to days of high level emergency/ critical care & was eventually paralyzed. She was in excruciating pain at the end. It was as easy of a decision as it was gut wrenching. It was brutal to watch. It’s one of the most painful things I’ve had to bear— & I’ve seen a lot.
Maybe I feel the need to explain all this to justify my grief? There are people who would consider my grief dramatic and over-the-top. I’m expected to not be as severely affected by the loss of a so-called “pet”. I went back to work the next day. No one noticed anything and if they happened to hear in passing, there was some expression of sympathy- a formality. But otherwise, my surroundings remained unchanged. It was like nothing happened even though the ground disappeared from under me. I lost my kid.
Grief is a collective ritual, a communal process and when real community is made inaccessible by capitalism/ colonialism, the sadness eats away at us. I think grief is a defining, all-encompassing part of life under empire. Death has a profound way of reminding us of the things that really matter in life. Death under empire is often not natural- it is the result of years of systemic oppression & exploitation. There is no glory in it but there is meaning.
I owe this to Dee and to you. I owe this to the universe full of interconnected beings that constantly shape, change & transform each other. Dee was herself just as much as she was a part of me. She kept me tethered to life on many days. Our love didn’t just “happen”. Like all relationships, it took intentional foundation building. It took work on both our ends.
I’m not sure what words I can use to describe Dee because quiet simply, her unbounded, truly infinite capacity to love was something to behold, learn from & humbly surrender to. She understood me in ways that allowed me to understand myself better. I don’t think I would have had this strong and intense of a relationship with my cats if I wasn’t politically radicalized. Everything in western society tells me to prioritize myself, the hustle, the chase of success & domination, “wins”… everything around me tells me to see everyone & everything as a means to a greater, more self-serving end. I see it all around me. A lot of people get “pets” like they buy other commodities on the market— they want something to make them feel better but that thing is a being in & of itself. I know what it means to be raised under abuse. I spent my childhood fearing a lot of people who were meant to care for me and it distorted my entire understanding of the world— because what I was experiencing was colonialism & capitalism manifested into our interpersonal relationships. Love was a confusing concept because I knew and & intimately understood pain which was painted as love & sacrifice. I’m grateful for other incredible, transformative, reciprocal relationships that saved me & today— I am a reflection of them.
It is so easy to forget that we’re all parts of a greater whole, that we’re deeply connected & our lives are intertwined at a quantum level whether we know & acknowledge it or not. We’re breathing & living the consequences of interconnection every millisecond. In fact, the survival of empire depends on us being separated from each other. Without that, it is nothing. And I didn’t learn this from reading leftist theory. It was an amalgamation of a gazillion moments of care that eventually made me know in my bones that we are all that we have ever needed & when we remember that… & I mean truly remember it enough to live it, breathe it, we will be able to build the capacity to fight back. Dee taught me a lot of this. Yes, a cat. Actually all of my cats have embodied collective care & showed me what love is in ways that I’ve never experienced otherwise. Isn’t it something to feel so deeply connected to a being that cannot speak your language or communicate with you in the way you normally do with your own species?
Dee & Daffodil were the first cats we adopted. We walked into a shelter in Nashville, TN and asked to see the cats that have been there the longest- what they called their “most difficult cases”. I won’t get into the gory details but Dee & Daff had been thru a lot. These systems that hurt you & I had not been kind to them either. They were our first children. Then came many more wonky, old, and/or disabled rescue cats that now make our house feel like home. Caring for these babies has taught me how to be a better person. It’s pushed me to embody my political values in my bones & blood— much like many transformative human relationships have. I’ve watched them come from horrific conditions of neglect & abuse and within weeks… with a tiny bit of consistent community care, food, water & shelter— they transformed. Right there- before my eyes. I’ve seen it enough times & with enough “lost causes” that it reinforced & seared into my heart the unwavering belief that all we need to survive & thrive is community care & guaranteed access to basic survival resources— something that capitalism/ colonialism deprive us of.
If you asked me what my political values look like in relationships, I’d point you to my cats & ask that you to observe & interact with them for a few minutes. The feeling that you leave with is the best reflection of how my political radicalization has changed me relationally. Care is transformative— being a part of a web of care, serving the collective in some way is the only thing that gives our lives meaning & purpose.
Dee was an ethereal, otherwordly being. Every day since I met her, I would have multiple moments where I’d just observe her in disbelief, not sure what I did to deserve the blessing that it is to have lived when she did. When you walk into our home, you’ll first be greeted by Dee who’ll run up to you, welcome you by grazing your legs with adoration. When you sit down, she’ll jump onto the couch, walk over to you, put her front two legs on your thighs & reach up to kiss you. Dee’s love language was community care. She was happiest in the presence of many— from people to her feline siblings. My partner called her my soul-cat, my soul really, because she was me but in cat form— intense, very intense, a fighter for better or for worse, flawed but growing eternally.
Everyday after work, when I’d collapse on the couch, sometimes doomscrolling on my phone for a little too long & she’d wait patiently but eventually get frustrated & walk over, swiftly knock my phone out of my hand & get settled in my lap, purring away with two paws on my chest— almost as if to say “hey, remember the things that you’re living for”.
This post has been syndicated from Cosmic Anarchy, where it was published under this address.